I Know I Am Still All Alone With My ADHD

There It Goes Again

Why is with the clumsiness?

I got used to spill sauce and gravy on my shirt when having meal, accidentally dropped this and that, broke things and wasted money to replace… but not like today. It was a happy day that I went to Vörttän beach with my family, swimming, eating sandwiches… and while waiting for the bus, I accidentally dropped my iPhone on the floor at the bus stop, and cracked the screen like hell.

Keep quiet and stay calm 😪

Terlupa Rakaat di Dalam Solat

Saya sudah tahu fekahnya bagaimana.

Jika terlupa rakaat, pegang pada yang yakin. Eh, ini rakaat ketiga atau keempat? Yakin yang tiga sudah sempurna, kurang pasti dengan yang keempat. Maka pegang yang tiga. Tambah satu rakaat cukupkan empat.

Kalau zohor, asar dan isyak.

Tetapi bagaimana jika kekeliruan itu berkali-kali di dalam satu solat? Eh ini rakaat pertama ke atau kedua? Kedua ke atau ketiga? Sudah empat atau baru tiga?

Jika saya solat sendirian, saya rasa mungkin saya pernah bertahiyyat sampai empat kali untuk satu solat yang empat rakaat.

Kenapa jadi begini?

Makin menjadi-jadi.

Ia menyedihkan.

Spelling Nazi

I have to reread again and again to make sure my writing has no typo. But no matter how much I do it, there is always a missing word, a misspelt one, and writing something totally different than what the mind intends. What makes things worse is when you are surrounded by people who are very quick at pointing out the errors. Thank you, but please give me some peace.


What is Real and What is Not?

I am told that an ADHDer might overthink many things in his or her life. I often predict the worse and see very few options when stuck in a situation. To be told that it is just the ADHD thing is somehow a relief. But now, my bigger question is, what is real and what is not? Probably this is where I need someone to talk me back. To tell me and guide me that what I overthink is half true. Choose this one and forget the other. Concentrate on A and leave aside everything else. But I don’t always have that privilege. It’s a constant struggle and I don’t want it to destroy my ability to trust my own self.

ADHD is Not a Gift

“Now let’s be clear, this is a very serious disorder. This is not some trivial little fly-by-night disorder.

Also, to emphasize something which I don’t think is emphasized enough: ADHD is no gift. There is no evidence in any research on any of hundreds of measures that we have taken that show that ADHD predisposes to anything positive in human life. Now let’s be clear, ADHD is but a small set of hundreds of psychological abilities that people will have, and many people may be gifted and talented in various aspects of these other human abilities, but never attribute that giftedness or that success to ADHD itself.

There is a profound tendency in the US right now for advocates to roll everything about a patient under the tent of their ADHD, and they use it to account for everything. So that Michael Phelps won eight gold medal Olympics because of his ADHD; and [David Neeleman] the owner of Jet Blue, [is] a successful entrepreneur running an airline because of his ADHD; and Howie Mandell on “Deal or No Deal” is a successful comic and gameshow host because of his ADHD; and Ty Pennington on extreme home makeover is very successful at destroying and rebuilding houses for other charitable purposes because of his ADHD.

None of this is true at all. These people are successful because they have other attributes in which they are gifted, but in no way does ADHD predispose to any of the things that I have mentioned. If so, we would have seen it.

So I want people to understand that while people may be gifted and talented and successful in spite of their ADHD, it is not because of their ADHD. The ADHD itself may in fact make you less effective than with other people who have equally talented areas in those human abilities. We don’t know, nobody has done that comparison.

But it’s going to be very hard for society to take you all seriously if you continue to trumpet this disorder as a gift. There is no way that we can go to Ottawa and walk the halls of parliament, arguing for accomodations, entitlements, funding of ADHD medications on the one hand, while rah-rah cheering ADHD as this wonderful giftedness that we have and you don’t [on the other]. They are antithetical to each other, and it doesn’t work. And it’s a lie.

So let’s stop deceiving people about this. This is a real disorder, it’s a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t mean you may not be talented in many other areas of life and that you can use those areas of talent to compensate for the disadvantages that ADHD may be producing. But success is not attributable to ADHD, not in any of the hundreds of studies that have been done to date. So I’m asking for clarification on this issue. I’m not saying people can’t succeed with this disorder, but it won’t be their ADHD that caused that.”

Dr. Russell Barkley
CADDAC Conference: ADHD, All in the Family
May 30th 2009,
Toronto, Canada.

Anxiety is Skyrocketing

It has been quite a while since the last time I wrote something here.

I am now approaching the end of my study. The anxiety is skyrocketing and I got really nervous. Thinking back, how many times before I ‘collapsed’ at this stage, and why I kept doing it again and again. My counsellor advised me to wear something tight that can help me to refrain myself from moving here and there, to focus. Try to break down whatever is needed to be done into smaller phases. I hope I can make it. I must graduate this year. Help me o Allah.

Kedamaian Yang Hilang

Saya sangat suka dengan waktu malam selepas jam 10.

Selepas anak-anak tidur, televisyen ditutup, tiada yang menjerit-jerit dan bercakaran.

Hanya sepi, senyap, dan damai, yang membolehkan saya mendengar suara di kepala sendiri. Pelbagai percakapan yang tidak pernah berhenti, dari satu topik ke satu topik. Sepanjang hari selalunya dahi saya berkerut menahan ‘kesakitan’ gangguan suara, jeritan, notifications, juga flash daripada skrin yang sangat menjejaskan kedamaian.

Dan kedamaian itu berakhir untuk hari ini apabila anak-anak bangun pagi di hari Sabtu dan memulakan aktiviti mereka.

Saya harap ini tidak menjadikan saya seorang bapa yang tidak baik.

Saya cuma mahu memberitahu bahawa saya sangat tertekan dengan pelbagai stimulasi yang rasanya saya semakin hipersensitif terhadap setiap satunya.

Saya perlukan bantuan.