If We Survive

I am examining myself how much I am prepared if death is inevitable in current situation we are living now. I don’t know if it is because I want to stay rational and as realistic as possible… or simply because I started to give up with my final attempt to complete my study.

I know that I won’t be leaving any money or belongings that are valuable for my wife and kids. I am destined to remain poor as individual.

Did I record or write enough to assist my kids if one day they want to remember me, I believe yes, I wrote more than enough. In fact maybe I over wrote and over exposing myself to be ‘seen’ by people.

Did I teach my kids about faith in Allah and to remain truthful with our selves, Muslims in its truest meaning, I did, and still doing it whenever I can. Always.

I know that my kids can sometimes, in fact many times upset me with their behaviour, sometimes made me a bit regret coming to Finland. But, I hope they always remember that I never stop loving them with a love I believe can only come from the heart of a dad.

And my beloved wife… I am ashamed of myself not being the husband you deserved. I should work harder, stay stronger and even healthier. Please remember that I always love you day by day since the first day I knew you. Stay safe and strong over there.

I want to join you in Ireland because I can’t do it anymore here in Finland. I am too tired, but I cannot openly expressing it because what is my tiredness compared to you working as a doctor at Emergency Department.

I think, I am still a kid, trapped in a body of an adult. I want my mom to hug me and say, everything is going to be okay.

So, if we survive, we will try our best to live a more meaningful and better life. If not, please remember that I always love everyone despite not being able to really smile for a very long time.

O Allah, save me from this academic burden. I hate my ADHD, because I need to hate something to make myself a little bit better.

Save me and all my loved ones from COVID-19.

01.04.2020

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