Becoming More Forgetful

I don’t know why.

Kids getting worried.

I am becoming more and more forgetful. Movies that I watched last summer, I didn’t remember any of them. Things that I said yesterday, I forgot. When praying, I forgot the rakaat. I also forgot if I took my medication an hour ago or not.

What am I experiencing such a significant amount of memory loss?

Joyner Lucas: ADHD

It kinda feels like, I’m dyin’ on the inside
It kinda feels like, I been tryna get by
And I been this way since day one
I don’t need no medication
No, I don’t need no drugs
Or maybe I’m different, and maybe my ADHD got me trippin’
And maybe I’m just everything that you missin’, yeahI feel like I’m dying inside
Why do I think crazy?
Someone save me (save me)
You can’t blame me (blame me)
It’s my ADHD, yeah
My mind racin’, I been paranoid
Overthinkin’, maybe that’s a void (woo, woo)
Don’t cut me off like I don’t have a voice
I think I was born different, I ain’t really have a choice, yeah (yeah)
Cancel session, you a hour late (hour late)
Don’t play with me, today is not the day (oh yeah)
Pay attention, I am not deranged
I could tell you what I’m thinkin’, I just don’t know how to say it
Maybe I get in your nerve, I mean what I say (oh yeah)
I been a man of my words, eon wide awake (yeah, yeah)
Baby a lil’ disturbed, but that’s just me
You don’t bleed the blood I bleed
I wear my heart on my sleeve, nigga
And I been this way since day one (and I been this way since day one)
I don’t need no medication (I don’t need no medication)
No, I don’t need no drugs
Or maybe I’m different, and maybe my ADHD got me trippin’
And maybe I’m just everything that you missin’, yeahI feel like I’m dying inside
Why do I think crazy?
Someone save me (save me)
You can’t blame me (blame me)
It’s my ADHD, yeahIt kinda feels like, I’m dying on the inside (on the inside)
It kinda feels like, I been tryna get by
Yipee-yipee-yih-yoh-yipee-yah-yah
Staring at the fire, kumbaya
I’ma take you higher, take you higher
I’ma take you higher, take you higher
Too many things on my head (yeah, yeah), what am I thinkin’?
How come I can’t go sleep in my bed? (oh, yeah)
I hear them talking, everyone stranger
They leave me for dead (oh, yeah), ’cause they want me gone (yeah)
This that shit I be on (yeah)
Ain’t no one to lean on (yeah)
And you know I been this way since day one (I been this way since day one)
I don’t need no medication (I don’t need no medication)
Or maybe I’m on one
Or maybe I’m different, and maybe my ADHD got me trippin’
And maybe I’m just everything that you missin’, yeahI feel like I’m dying inside (inside)
Why do I think crazy? (Crazy, yeah, yeah)
Someone save me (save me)
You can’t blame me (blame me)
It’s my ADHD, yeah
It kinda feels like, I’m dyin’ on the inside

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Gary Lucas Jr. / Kirill Koriakovski
ADHD lyrics © Reservoir Media Management Inc

A Book Because of the ADHD

I feel very sick thinking about what’s going to happen to my study.

Panic, shortness of breath, sweating… non stop.

I need to do something else just for a couple of days to escape from the anxiety.

Yes, a self-published ebook would be good.

It took me 24 hours to gather all articles from the old archive, republished on my blog, extracted them all to Pressbook, edited, wrote some new contents, designed the cover, register an account with Kindle and Google Play, non stop…. and finished everything at 6am!

A peaceful sleepless night, zoning out!

Completely detached from the entire world.

I now have a new ebook ready to publish.

Sadly, back to reality!

And I feel sick again.

Help Doesn’t Help

I need help.

But I don’t think any help might help.

Because I think I already know what I will be told.

It’s okay. Stay strong. You’re doing fine. I hear you. Here are five tips. Pray harder. Remember Allah. Strengthen your iman.

But at the end, I still need help.

O Allah, bless me with Your grace.

If We Survive

I am examining myself how much I am prepared if death is inevitable in current situation we are living now. I don’t know if it is because I want to stay rational and as realistic as possible… or simply because I started to give up with my final attempt to complete my study.

I know that I won’t be leaving any money or belongings that are valuable for my wife and kids. I am destined to remain poor as individual.

Did I record or write enough to assist my kids if one day they want to remember me, I believe yes, I wrote more than enough. In fact maybe I over wrote and over exposing myself to be ‘seen’ by people.

Did I teach my kids about faith in Allah and to remain truthful with our selves, Muslims in its truest meaning, I did, and still doing it whenever I can. Always.

I know that my kids can sometimes, in fact many times upset me with their behaviour, sometimes made me a bit regret coming to Finland. But, I hope they always remember that I never stop loving them with a love I believe can only come from the heart of a dad.

And my beloved wife… I am ashamed of myself not being the husband you deserved. I should work harder, stay stronger and even healthier. Please remember that I always love you day by day since the first day I knew you. Stay safe and strong over there.

I want to join you in Ireland because I can’t do it anymore here in Finland. I am too tired, but I cannot openly expressing it because what is my tiredness compared to you working as a doctor at Emergency Department.

I think, I am still a kid, trapped in a body of an adult. I want my mom to hug me and say, everything is going to be okay.

So, if we survive, we will try our best to live a more meaningful and better life. If not, please remember that I always love everyone despite not being able to really smile for a very long time.

O Allah, save me from this academic burden. I hate my ADHD, because I need to hate something to make myself a little bit better.

Save me and all my loved ones from COVID-19.

01.04.2020